Random Ramblings

Every time I see any kind of article or post shared or linked somewhere that has to do with losing weight or body image I go read it. I have come to the point where I need to stop that. They only fill me with the ideas of others when what I really need to do it find what makes me happy. I read one where a doctor said that being a little over weight is actually better. Then I read another where a man talked about not feeling his happiest when he is working hard at being healthy. It seems like just when I get the fire to get going I read something where someone tells me it is ok to be the way I am. I want to believe them... Ultimately these people have found what works for them, what makes them feel fulfilled and happy and content. While most of the time I am happy there are still times (like catching a glimpse in the mirror or going shopping with my husband and knowing that the stores we go into will not even carry my size) that I long for some kind of change. I guess I get some comfort from knowing it is a life long pursuit and I don't have to have it figured out right now. But at the same time I am anxious to be where I want to be. I want to wake up and be able to wear whatever I want. I want to have my weight where it should be so I can feel comfortable having another child.
Then I read blogs like this and I find myself feeling jealous of the drive and motivation. I think I have just gotten too comfortable. Before I hit the 50 pound gone mark I was heavier than I had been. Now that I have lost 50 pounds I am down to where I was before Scotty was born. I have been here before...it is comfortable. I am looking for that push. Something to hoist me out of my chair and hit me over the head. I used to be so good and waking up early and going to Curves to get my work outs in. Now it doesn't work to have me go somewhere else to exercise. I am getting good at making excuses. I am letting myself get away with not exercising.
My eating is still alright. I know I need to watch my snacking, but for the most part I am eating well. I am loving grilled chicken salads right now!
In the last post I talked about pushing myself before my high school reunion...I am not a very good pusher. Maybe I need someone that will come to my house and get me moving. I also know I need to be able to motivate myself if I am going to make this a life long change.
Today is mostly rambling and random thoughts. I guess I am passively desperate to get this body of mine changed. If that makes any sense-it does to me. I've noticed a lot of negative talk inside my head and I need to work on changing it.
So right now I am going to commit to getting up early and exercising. Ask me tomorrow how it went. I have never been motivated by goals because I never cared whether I met them or not (terrible, I know), but I am motivated my commitment. If I tell you I will do something I do it. So here is my commitment...early morning exercising.