The Force

I posted a while ago about shame and about my 10 year high school reunion. While I am still struggling with shame I have decided to attend my reunion. I wrestled with that decision for a long time. Eventually I decided I needed to stop running and just do it. It is hard for me to admit that I have gained weight and by seeing all those people who knew me 100 pounds ago it will be hard to pretend like the weight isn't there. It is so painfully obvious that there is more of me now. As soon as I paid for the reunion I immediately started worrying about what I could wear to cover up. What I could put on my body to hide it. See...shame.
I even feel so much shame concerning my body that I hesitate telling people how much weight I have lost because then they will know how big I had gotten. I don't know what to do to get over that.
Maybe the answer is just coming out and saying just how big I was...
Ouch, thinking about that hurts.
I think I can do it though.
This picture is of me at my brother's wedding 6 weeks after Scotty was born. I weighed 279 lbs. Just seeing that number brings tears to my eyes. Since then I have lost 50 lbs. So now you all know how much I weigh which means I have nothing to hide. This might be a good thing.

Life is hard. I feel like there are so many things that I need/should be doing and I can hardly keep up. In the midst of it all I push working on myself and my weight to the back. I know I shouldn't  do that, but it is too easy to let it fall to the side. I need to get  back the focus that I once had. I need to find that force within me that drove me to success.
I still have a month before my reunion. I am going to do my best to focus. The husband and I are taking a little vacation next week and I am going to try hard to stay focused then.
May the force be within me.