In my last post I said that my first resolution of the year was to cultivate a love for my body the way it is now. As I was pondering what I could start off with for the first day of the year I read this post that a friend posted on facebook. If you didn't go read the post let me tell you basically what it said. It was all about loving the post baby body because of the miracle that occurred inside it. You know embracing the stretch marks and loose skin because of the beautiful baby. While I agree with the ideas in the post it brought up some things for me.
Nearly 9 years ago (the 27th of this month) we lost our baby boy. I had the loose skin, stretch marks, sagging breasts, and weight gained during that pregnancy to remind me of what was gone. For the longest time to me those were signs of my failure. Signs of my inadequacy and inability to carry and protect my child. Even after two successful pregnancies I can't get over the failure that I feel looking at certain parts of my body. It is hard to explain, especially to someone that has never been there.
I let the feelings of failure and doubt in my abilities consume me. Even though a part of me knew it wasn't me that let it happen it was hard to convince myself otherwise. I got so down on myself and all those "flaws" and I never took the time to correct my thinking. Now here I am almost 9 years later and I am trying to fix it. So while most mothers can look at their stretch marks and their loose skin and see a beautiful miracle I look at those things and mostly see failure.
I am working on it. It was hard today to think of something to start off with. I finally settled on my fingernails. I like my fingernails. Got to start somewhere I guess.
Those stretch marks are not failure, my friend, but evidence of God's love and plan. If you can't dig up a positive thought for yourself, turn it over to Him. Just an idea. Love ya.
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