What's the Point?

Yesterday while sitting in church I was thinking about my goals and about a pin I saw on Pinterest and it occurred to me (for about the hundredth time) that I need to stop worrying about losing weight and focus on eating right and exercise. Well that is pretty easy to say when you are your ideal size and live an active lifestyle. When you aren't constantly reminded that you do indeed need to lose weight it is a lot easier to focus on the getting healthy. I can tell myself and be told a million times that it isn't about the weight it is about being healthy, but until I can walk into a store and find my size or not be the biggest in the room it is going to be hard to get past the number on the scale. It seems like the only people that remind me that it is more than a number are ones that are satisfied with the number they see.
In the garden of my mind I know the point is to be healthier. I know that comes by eating healthy and exercising. I know it takes time. But at the same time I have the thoughts that tell me it is too hard and that if that number isn't decreasing it is all for naught. I am tired of having my weight dictate the way my life goes. I want to have the freedom to make choices and plan my life without worrying about how the weight will affect things. The truth of the matter is that is my life right now. The weight isn't going to come off over night. That makes me mad at myself for the choices and food issues of the past.
Consequences are always going to be there, I just wonder when I will have paid the price for my food choices and be able to be free of the pounds that weigh me down.
What I find most frustrating is that most of the weight was put on when I was in denial of my grief and innocently avoiding the pain that was just under the surface. Now that I know better and am doing better I almost expect the weight to just disappear. It is like dealing with the pain of that first year after losing Zack all over again. Like I am being ask to suffer the loss twice (only differently this time).
I guess what I am trying to say is that I long to be in a place where I don't have to worry about every single bite and I don't have to feel guilty if I miss a day of exercise. I have to be able to focus on health instead of the number. Right now that number consumes me.