Zack's Story

Zack's Story:

I have a lot of thoughts in me and I hope I can get them out in an organized manner. I have spent past Mother's Days thinking about what I don't have and I can guarantee I will think about that this Mother's Day too. That is something that I will never not think about. Many people don't understand how it feels to lose a child, whether you carried them for a short time in your womb or you loved them for years. So it is to you that don't understand that I dedicate this post. The ones that do understand can read too, I guess. But in all seriousness I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I have met some childless mothers.

I have a hard time sharing my feelings and I don't think anyone has really ever heard the things I am going to share, not even my hubby. In an effort to deal with some things that I thought I had dealt with, but seem to be resurfacing I am going to share my experience. It is a little long so consider yourself warned. Now I am not going to share every detail, some things are just too sacred. So now that I have said that, please understand that the things I share are meant to help others understand or reach out to those that are where I have been. I'm not posting this to get sympathy or to make people feel sorry for me, I just think it is time I shared.
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It always amazed me how different people having different, but sometimes similar experiences can have such similar thoughts and feelings. I guess that is the Lord's way of letting us be there for each other.

Shortly after our marriage in Aug. 2004 my husband and I found out we were pregnant. Having not planned it we were a little shocked. We were surprised, nervous, in disbelief, and eventually excited. We didn't have insurance and so we wondered how we were going to pay for this. After trips to the Medicaid office and prayers we were relieved to hear that we qualified (a wonderful blessing because the next week Sterling got a raise that would have put us just barely over the income that qualified us for help). We went to doctor appointments every month and everything looked really good. We had no reason to worry until we went in for our 18 week check up. During my 18 weeks appointment my doctor thought he saw a hernia or something so he sent us for our 20 week ultrasound to a hospital where they could see everything better and check on what he saw. We still weren't really all that worried, we had faith that took the place of worry.

Before we went to the hospital Sterling took me shopping for some maternity clothes. I was so excited to try on the clothes and pick out things that would show off my growing belly. We spent a good amount of time going through racks and trying on things and using the belly pillow to see how it would look when I was further along. We left with our hands full with bags and smiles on our faces. After shopping we went to the hospital for the ultrasound. We checked in and I remember filling out the papers and it asked if I had ever had a miscarriage before or a stillbirth. I thought to myself how awful that would be and checked “no”, funny how that sticks out in my memory of that day. We were called back and as they started the ultrasound the tech said she was having a hard time finding all of our baby's limbs. We just thought that he was laying on them or something. She did tell us he was a boy and we were thrilled about that. She looked a little more and then she called a doctor in and he looked at it and then left. He didn't say anything to us. She didn't say much as she finished accounting for his organs. When she finished we were told to go wait in the doctor's office and he would be in to talk to us.

We went in, not knowing what was going on. He came in and got right to the point. He told us our baby had Amniotic Band Syndrome(A.B.S) and as a result of it he was missing his left hand and his diaphragm. The hand wasn't fatal, but missing a diaphragm would be. We were told we could terminate it then or wait and see how long he lived. He handed us some papers and asked if we had any questions. We didn't have any questions, we couldn't even comprehend what we had just been told. He left us to try and process what was going on. Had he really just told us that our baby was going to die? We decided that we didn't want to wait for him to come back, so once we got control again we gathered our things and left.

As we left his office and got in the elevator and a very pregnant woman got on. My heart sank. One more punch to my stomach. I think she muttered something about it being so hard to walk and I wanted to kick her. I thought of what I would give to have that discomfort now.

We leaned on each other as we walked out to our car, tears falling the whole way. We couldn’t even start the car. We just sat there resting our heads on each other as we cried. People were walking past and looking at us, but we didn’t care. The despair I felt in that moment was almost too much for me to handle and a few stares didn't make any difference to me. We didn't speak, there were no words. We both knew how the other felt because we felt the same. I don't remember how long we sat there, but finally we were able to start the car. That was the longest car ride home.


Once home we knew we had to make phone calls. Our families were going to be anxious to hear the news of whether it was a boy or girl. I dreaded picking up that phone. Sterling's brother called us and I answered. He asked about the appointment and was ready to hear the big news. I don't think anyone expected the big news we got that day. I was bawling so it didn't take him long to figure out something was wrong. I said the words that I had been dreading. It was real, our baby was going to die and there was nothing we could do about it. He didn't know what to say. He told us they would pray for us, something we would hear many times over the next month.

I took some time to compose myself and then I called my mom. I fought the tears as I told her all we knew about the situation and asked her to tell the rest of the family. I also asked that she tell them not to call just yet. We wanted to be left alone with all this and try to sort things out in our minds before people started asking how we were doing. Sterling called his family and then we tried to get some rest.

I remember laying there in bed just sobbing. The pain was so heavy. I couldn't lift it off my chest. I felt like I was suffocating and there was nothing I could do about it. After a few hours of trying to calm myself down I had to get up and found myself on the bathroom floor vomiting. I longed for peace. I needed peace. I needed that warmth in my soul that would reassure me. I wanted to wake up and realize that I was having a terrible dream and that this baby boy that had been mine for such a short time was healthy and whole. I didn't know what to pray for. I just asked for help and love. What I really wanted to ask for was a miracle, but somehow that didn't seem right. I knew that it was out of my hands and in His, but that didn't take away the feeling of anguish.
 
We both knew as soon as the doctor gave us our options that we didn't want to terminate, we wanted Zack to live as long as God wanted him to. But we did want to make sure we were doing the right thing so we decided to go to the temple the next day. We got up and neither of us felt like eating, so we went and bought some fried chicken and picked at it. As we got ready to go to the temple I felt good just thinking about going. So we made our way to back to Ogden.


As we sat in the Celestial room of the temple we both felt so much peace and love and we knew that Heavenly Father understood our hearts. We also knew that whatever we decided to do would be alright. So we chose to let him live as long as he could. We didn't want to be the ones to cut his life short. I left feeling peaceful and rested. I felt like I could handle this and that no matter how it played out I wouldn't be alone. I knew that it was still going to be hard and that there was a lot of uncertainty, but I could do it.
 
From the second we left the hospital I tried to deal with this news by trying to forget I was pregnant. The clothes we had bought that day stayed in the bags from the store. I didn’t want to wear them, see them, or be reminded of them. They reminded me of the excitement I had felt as I tried them on. They also reminded me of the devastating news that had been delivered that day. I did my best to try to enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but the aching inside was almost too much to bear. I didn't want to forget this child, but I wanted to forget the pain. I cringed when I knew I had to go out in public because I looked pregnant and I didn't want the questions. I hated it when people asked when I was due. I knew they didn't know the situation, but I still got angry when they asked. I coped by giving one or two word answers and then walking away. I didn't know how to deal with it all, so there was no way I could explain it to someone else.


My doctor was so good to us. He called to check on me and had us come in to check on the baby and talk about what was going to happen. We went in once right after the ultrasound and then scheduled an appointment for two weeks. The Sunday before my second appointment I remember standing in the kitchen preparing food and I felt a strong kick. I had felt him before, but never that strongly. He was letting me know he was real and that he knew it was time. That kick reminded me that even though I was trying so hard to forget about it all that I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t forget him or his life. I needed to remember that he is my son and that everything happens so that we can become better. Crazy that one little kick could teach me so much. He really wanted me to know that he was my son forever! I treasure that moment. I almost didn't put it in here, but it was such an important point in time to me that it didn't feel right leaving it out.

It was so hard to sit in that waiting room and look at all the pregnant bellies. In my heart I knew he was mine forever. But I still felt guilt and shame for my inability to keep my baby healthy. I felt unworthy as a mother and I doubted my abilities. I had been taught my whole life that families are so important and that as women we are given the opportunity to carry children and nurture them. I felt like I had failed.

They called my name and we went back to check on our boy. The doctor tried to find a heartbeat, but could only find mine. He lead us back to the ultrasound room to make sure. He put the picture up on the screen and I will never forget seeing my baby laying motionless at the bottom of the screen.

There was no heartbeat. No life in my womb.

I thought about this moment a lot and I had wondered how I would react when it became reality. I played different scenarios in my mind. Would I be hysterical? Would I feel like my world had crumbled. Or would I weep uncontrollably? I didn't do any of those things. I sat quietly and felt the peace from Heaven. Even as I remember it I am filled with so much peace. I knew where he was and I knew he was ok and I knew I would be ok. I did cry, not because I felt alone or lost or like I had been dealt a cruel hand, but I cried because I thought of all that I would miss in this life with my Zack. As we left out the back door and went home to start preparing for what was going to happen I just knew that Heavenly Father had taken care of it all and that all I had to do was trust in him. He had made the decision we couldn't make.
 
Thursday, January 27, 2005 at 22 weeks and 1 day they induced my labor. That was a very long day. After my doctor did the ultrasound that showed our son was dead he told me to go home and call him when I was ready to induce labor. We went home and a couple days later I made that call. We went in early that morning and started the long process. We spent the day watching tv and Sterling did a little homework. I was surprised at how well I handled it. I started to feel uncomfortable and since I knew I was going to be leaving without my baby I wanted to make sure I was very comfortable so it would be easier for me. They gave me some IV drugs and that helped take the edge off. As the day went on I was given more Cervidil and more pain killers and we waited. Finally my water broke at about 10:45 pm and very soon after Zack Rime Marx was born. He weighed 3.6 ounces and was 7 1/2 inches long. He measured really small for 22 weeks. His daddy cut his cord and the nurse handed my precious baby to me.


As I looked at him I saw that his birth defects were much more severe than the doctor had predicted. He had no left hand and forearm due to the A.B.S. He also had a condition called gastroschisis, which means all of his organs had formed outside his tiny body. His growth had also been slowed by the deformities. But everything else about him was perfect. He had the cutest little feet and legs. He was so tiny and perfect and mine.

I will forever be grateful to the Share Parents organization and all they did for us. They came in in the middle of the night to dress Zack and take pictures and give us support. They helped us share him with our families and make him a little more real for them.

The next day the mortuary was called and they came and picked up our tiny boy. We went home without our baby boy. That was hard to leave him there. Once we got home we tried to get some sleep and recuperate from the previous day. We had no visitors, which was fine with me. Saturday we got up and got dressed and went and picked up our baby boy from the mortuary. The funeral director was so good to us. He said preparing Zack was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. They didn't charge us a penny for anything, we were so blessed.
 
The whole way out to Newton he road on my lap in his tiny casket. We chose to bury him next to my grandpa so we knew that someone would always be there. We had family that kindly donated a plot to us. We had been told by our bishop that if we wanted to we could give him a priesthood blessing. Not the standard blessing you hear in Sacrament meeting, but a more personal blessing to comfort us and our family. We decided that we wanted to do that. So my husband and his brothers and father and my father and brother stood in a circle holding my tiny baby and blessed him. They also asked for a blessing for me. The spirit that filled my parent's living room was unbelievable. I had never felt such a strong feeling of peace and love. I had always known that my family could be together forever, and as my son was given a blessing that testimony was reaffirmed. It was one of those tender moments that I don't share often.


Sterling and I took him into the other room and laid his tiny body in his tiny coffin and wrapped him up in his blankets. We both said one last goodbye and then sealed the lid. I remember getting a drop on glue on my skirt and I treasured that stain. I wore that skirt every Sunday for the next 4 years. It wasn’t until after we had our baby girl, Abigail, that I was able to put that skirt aside.

We drove up to the Newton cemetery with our families and placed his casket on the ground. I looked up and saw our bishop and his sweet wife standing there. In the haze of that week we had forgotten to tell them about it, but they found out on their own and were there to show their love and support. He will always be my favorite bishop no matter what other bishops I have. I honestly don’t really remember what was said or done at his graveside. All I remember is my sisters sang “I Know My Redeemer Lives” and that is about it. We finished and left my dad and brother to bury him. I don’t know how they did it, but I am grateful they were willing to do that for us. The rest of that day is a blur. I know we spent time with family and friends and that is all that matters.
 
I don't want you to get the idea that as soon as Zack was buried that my life was normal again. It takes a long time to deal with something like that. I don't think a mother ever fully heals after losing a child. The first year was most definitely the hardest. One day I would be doing good and then I would go and get the mail and there I would find samples of baby lotion and formula coupons. Those are the things that catch you off guard. You are "prepared" for the baby showers and you know you will feel down at one of those, but you aren't ready for the the baby shampoo commercial or tiny diapers that come in the mail.


I think the hardest thing for me hands down was when I heard the news that two people that are very close to me were having babies. I remember that bottomless pit that was where my stomach was supposed to be. I remember being angry. I wondered how they could do that to me. Here I was less then 3 months after losing my baby and they tell me that they are having another one. It was hard to be happy for them. I was happy that they were happy, I was happy that another miracle was about happen, but I was so bitter that that miracle wasn't mine. I do appreciate their sensitivity to the subject. They were both very good about the whole thing. I am grateful they understood and didn't take it personally. I was hurt to hear of their pregnancies, but I was also blessed by them. Those 2 babies that were born unlocked a part of my heart that I had sealed off. I hadn't let myself get close to babies because it hurt. But once I allowed myself to take those precious babies and hold them close my heart melted.

I felt guilty for my thoughts and feelings then. Now I understand that it was ok that I felt that way. I was entitled to those feelings, just like others who have experienced similar things are also entitled.

Another thing that was hard for me was the day I realized my milk had come in. I was getting ready for bed and saw that I was leaking. That was a terrible reminder of what I had lost. But also it showed me that my body was capable of taking care of a baby and that was something I needed to know.

I still think about him everyday. Now that we have other kids I understand the things we have missed with him in this life. I know a lot of people think that having another baby erases all the hurt and pain of losing a baby, but that just isn't true. The baby that is lost is never forgotten. When I think about him I am grateful he is mine forever. I am grateful for the lessons I learned because of him. I feel the love of a Father in Heaven that trusted me with one of his most valiant spirits. Zack needed to come to Earth for a body and I am grateful I was a part of that. I understand now that he is needed by his Father in Heaven more than he is needed by me. And I am blessed to let Him have him. Zack will be with us again someday. I look forward to that so much. I long for the time when I can hold him and look at his sweet face. But until then I know that he is doing what he was meant to do.

My Father knew that there were things I needed to learn and that this was the only way I could really learn them. I have been able to connect with so many people because of this. I wouldn't want it to be any other way. He will always be my baby and a part of our family.