My Least Favorite Part

So I have now entered into my least favorite part of pregnancy. Yes, I enjoy the end the line aches and pains more than I enjoy these few weeks right before the middle. I can honestly say that I have never really enjoyed a pregnancy. Well I take that back, I enjoyed my first pregnancy for the first 17 weeks. Then around week 18 we found out that there were problems. So here I am, week 17. Past the morning sickness that, although a huge pain, was a big reassurance. The nausea of the beginning is gone and I am not yet to the point where I feel the constant kicks and movements. I am in the worst part of pregnancy. There is nothing to calm my anxiety or put my nerves to rest. I am completely relying on faith the keep me from spiraling into some mess of crazy emotions.
When I was pregnant with Abby I didn't let myself enjoy anything about being pregnant. A part of me was stuck in the weeks after we found out Zack wouldn't make it. The weeks when I did anything and everything I could to forget I was even pregnant. If people asked me how I was feeling I always said fine. If they asked if I was excited I always said yes, but it was without conviction. I remember telling my mom a few weeks before Abby was born that I was reserving my excitement for when the baby was in my arms. That term, "reserving my excitement" has stayed with me. I was terrified of getting my hopes up and then being devastated. So I avoid it.
Then with Scotty I found it a little easier to relax, but I still couldn't fully enjoy it. There was always a nagging fear in my mind that something would go wrong. I remember thinking I needed to take pictures of my belly because it might not be that way for very long. I found towards the end it was a little easier to deal with the fears and anxieties. He was very active and that brought a lot of peace to my mind.
So here I am this time in the land of no morning sickness and lack of noticeable fetal movements. There is almost constant worry in the back of my mind. I tell myself to relax, that I have never felt any babies move this early. That I have no reason to worry. I find myself looking in the mirror to see if my belly is growing. I take inventory of any and all signs of pregnancy in hopes of quieting the voice of concern.
I just want to skip ahead to like 24 weeks.
I know this is a trial of faith and I am trying my hardest. I have sought peace on many occasions and have been given what I was seeking. In the temple I received a very strong answer that He is aware of me and my fears. When I doubt that experience is quickly brought back to me. I need to get rid of the doubt and fully embrace the faith. The natural man is just so darn strong.