Choosing the Good Hard

Let me start with a little history of The Vault (the place where I take my Hot Mess class). It is my understanding that a number of years ago my friend, Tia, was living the dream. She was dancing with well known celebrities and was offered a contract. She knew she wanted more and so she turned it down returned to St. George to follow a different dream. That is when The Vault, along with Kalamity and Kaos was born. Kalamity and Kaos are groups of dancers that all believe in using their talents to benefit others. A cause is chosen each year and they spend the year doing fund raisers, benefit concerts, merchandise sales, and anything else they can think of to help support those in need. Pretty cool right? Now she has expanded her dancing dream to help those of us that are not so good at the dancing (hello Hot Mess Fitness).
We were told at the beginning of this session that she felt like we needed to dance in the concert that will be happening in December to benefit a sweet baby boy that has a heart condition that has required multiple surgeries with more to come. She has had the Hot Mess ladies dance before and decided it was time to do it again.

Now, as soon as I heard her say we were dancing there was no question about whether or not I was going to participate. I knew I had to. Part of all this is getting comfortable with me, with body no matter what shape it happens to be. What better way to do that than dancing on stage in a packed auditorium?
Just because I didn't waiver in my decision to dance, I am freaking out. My comfort zone is so far behind me that I can't even see it. It has been so long since I have done any kind of public dancing and I am feeling very anxious. Not only am I anxious I am also fighting the insecurities I have had for a number of years. Since gaining the weight I operate under the assumption that when people look at me they see a fat, awkward person. Along with that comes the fear that when I try to do things (like dance in public or dress up for anything) they are thinking "oh, look at the fat girl trying". Like they either think it is sad to see me up there thinking I can dance or they are laughing at me for even trying. on top of that for some reason any encouragement or praise I get I assume it is coming from a place of mocking or pity.
Before you go telling me that this isn't what people are thinking and that the encouragement is genuine I will tell you that I know that. I know that the majority of people I encounter don't think like this. But for some reason I am letting that one person that just may be thinking that hold me back.
I think back to high school and I was a fun person. I did what I liked because I liked it without a care. People would comment on my confidence and I wanted to believe them. I think part of me was trying to make myself the joke before anyone else did.
I am trying to find the fun, carefree person inside me. Every once in a while I see glimpses of her. I'm really hoping this dancing business can coax her out and then I can get her to stay.

 I am choosing the good hard now.