garden of my mind

I have been in a slump lately. I was doing so well with the eating right and exercising. I was losing weight and feeling so good. Then we started the yard work. I gained 3 pounds. In my mind I knew it was muscle, but I don't think I believed myself. I have always been afraid to try things because I don't want to fail. I think I was trying to save myself from failure. If I don't try to lose weight I won't fail if I don't lose anything.  Then I see things on pinterest that say "you are only failing if you aren't trying" and I scroll down and ignore it.
Mr. Rogers says the mind is a garden, well I think my mind is a maze made out of 20 foot high hedges and prickly bushes. I can not figure out what is going on in there. I am slowly making progress, but it is frustrating. I think I want to get healthy and lose weight, but I live like I don't want to. See, confusing. While I quit recording the food I ate and pretty much stopped exercising I still kept some healthy habits like my oatmeal and greek yogurt breakfasts and my spinach smoothie a day snack.
I have been making mental notes on when I eat. I have noticed I eat when I am frustrated and feeling impatient. That happens mostly during the day with kids. I have also noticed that when I make the wrong food choices I find myself frustrated and impatient. I need to break the cycle.
I need to weed out those habits and learned behaviors so I can plant some new healthier habits and behaviors in the garden of my mind.
I wish I could understand the hold that food has over me. Everything revolves around it. I have found myself thinking about what snacks I can have in the afternoon right after breakfast. When I find out we will be having visitors I automatically start thinking about the food we can eat. I have no idea what normal eating looks like anymore. I make excuses for myself and rationalize just about everything. I cannot allow myself to make excuses anymore. I am doing my best right now and I guess that is all I can ask for. It is hard to not get frustrated with myself. I just keep telling myself that even though I don't have it all figured out each day I figure out a little bit more.

This blog is to help me organize the thoughts in my mind garden. Feel free to check in often and see how I am doing.