I have been thinking lately about the person I was before I gained weight and the person after. Before I gained the weight I don't remember relying on my humor quite as much as I do now. I'm sure I was funny and clever, but I didn't pull it out as often. After I gained the weight I began noticing that I was heaviest lady in the room. I knew other people noticed it too and I didn't want them to leave thinking about the fat quiet girl that must be so miserable. So I started using humor to distract from the weight. I was trying to find my place in this world. If I wasn't the skinny girl with the perfect figure anymore I would have to be the funny one. I referred to myself as "irreverent" and made so excuses for it.
I hear it all the time on The Biggest Loser, you know about people turning to humor to make up for the weight. I did the same thing. I needed some redeeming quality.
Just like the eating has become a habit so has the humor. I tell myself I don't need to feel like I have to have the joke, but it just happens. I tell myself to turn it down a notch, but it keeps coming up.
I want to be able to break out of that role and just be normal funny, but it is hard to do that when I still don't feel comfortable with my body. I don't know why humor makes me feel better, but it does.
I guess the humor will keep coming up until I am comfortable with myself and can figure out where my place is.
On a side note, my 10 year high school reunion is this summer. I had really wanted to go about a year ago when I was losing weight like crazy and was sure I would be at a goal weight this summer. Well the weight loss has slowed down if not stopped and I am not feeling the reunion. I don't know if I should push myself to go or just let myself stay home. I hate running into people from high school, especially since it seems like all the girls have gotten prettier and claimed their womanhood. I don't feel like I have done that at all. I feel awkward, unsure, and uncomfortable. I guess I have some thinking to do.
I have kept on all my post-pregnancy weight and was hoping to lose it before our high school reunion too, but I have no motivation, and I am thinking of not going as well. I always wanted to go skinnier than I was in high school, not bigger! I might give in and go anyways because I want to see a few people, so you should too! We have all grown up now and size or shape or pretty and ugly don't matter! We love you for you! :)
ReplyDeleteI have never went to any of my high school reunions. I've went to Ron's and he can't even recognize anyone there (except Anita's sister) and they can't recognize him and I think 'what is the point?' If you care about someone, you are still being friends with them and don't need a special 'reunion'. It just ends up being a contest and what is the prize? Being the skinniest/prettiest/richest kid from the class of whatever? whoop dee do. Big accomplishment. At the end of the reunion night, they still go home to whatever their life is, good or bad. And you never know how good or bad that actually is.
ReplyDeleteAnd I get what you are saying about using humor, it can be a shield or a way to deflect. I've noticed over the recent years that all the obese people on TV are either funny, or used as objects of humor. And since no one wants to be used as an object of humor, it is smarter to be the funny one.
I may have been one of those who had "blossomed into womanhood" physically (I was breastfeeding last year, so I actually had boobs and yes, I felt and looked great) but I didn't go to my reunion because I still feel like an awkward, social mess. I wouldn't have had any idea what to say to anybody in that whole room.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is don't let your self-image keep you away if it is something you think you would otherwise like to do, because everyone will be feeling self-conscious in one way or another... that's a promise I feel pretty confident I can keep.