I'm a Sexy Beast

It is time to start this blog up again.

10 years ago we experienced the death of our first born. He was stillborn at 22 weeks. If you want to read more about that you can here.  The year after losing him I gained 100 pounds at least. I was overweight, tired, unhappy, and uncomfortable with myself. I really wanted to change. I wanted to be happy and love me for me. I lived like that for far too long. I worried that if I wasn't happy now that after losing weight I still wouldn't be happy. If I didn't learn to truly love myself now, I might never. It took me the better part of those 10 years to get to the point where I was finally ready to do something about it. I have tried before and had success losing weight, but never the mental and emotional success I was craving. Fast forward to this past summer. A friend of mine had started taking a fitness class and was raving about it. She would tell me all about the hard workouts and the sore muscles. She also told me about how the class had changed her. She saw more of the good in herself and in others. She was happier and had found a group of friends that loved her for her and helped her achieve her goals. She had found what I needed. She invited me to one class to try it out. After leaving that class I knew I had to get in. Since gaining the weight I always felt like the fat person in the room. Like everyone was judging me (whether they were or not). I felt uncomfortable. I didn't feel like that in this class. I felt like I belonged in that Hot Mess Fitness class. I knew I needed those women and that atmosphere in my life. I did my best to wait patiently for the next class and registration.
The night before registration I hardly slept. My life was about to change and I just couldn't wait. I got registered and I finally felt like there was hope for me. I knew it was going to be hard, but like Tia says it is a good hard. I had been choosing the bad hard for so long that it was time to take on the good.

The day before the class started I was getting dressed for church. I bent down to pick up a cardigan and my back immediately seized up and the pain was so intense. I had never felt anything like that before. The excitement and nervous energy I had about starting the class suddenly turned to sadness and anger. I was upset at the thought of missing out on this opportunity that I had been praying for for so long. I spent the day flat on my back in bed praying and begging to be healed. I tried it all. Ice, rest, The Emotion Code, essential oils, prayer, long distance energy healing, and a Priesthood blessing. In the blessing I was told that my Heavenly Father was aware of my desires and that my back injury wouldn't get in the way of my class. I felt good and decided to proceed in faith. I got my stuff ready the night before and set my alarm. I climbed into bed and said one last prayer that I would be able to get up and function in the morning. I woke up before my alarm even went off. I gingerly got out of bed and found that my back was stiff and a little painful, but no where near as bad as it had been the night before. I think my Heavenly Father was trying to show me that He knows my desires and needs and He has prepared ways of helping me through it. I employed every resource I had in my reach and I was able to go to my class. It was truly a miracle and a huge blessing. I modified my exercise that first week and now I am mostly back to normal. I take it easy when I know there is potential for re-injury.
So far in this Hot Mess Fitness class I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I am determined and committed to the process. I don't have to do it alone. I have learned that even when I am exhausted and the sweat is pouring from my body I can dig deep and find just a little bit more strength inside. I have learned that I am deserving of happiness and I am a fighter.

Each day I fight through the physical and mental weaknesses I may have. I am so grateful that there are wonderful women there to support and love me when I am having a hard time finding it within myself.