My sister sent me a link to this article and it really got me thinking. When I think of shame I think of being so uncomfortable with something that you do all you can to cover it. That is exactly what I have been doing. I have been desperately trying to cover my weight and body issues. Unfortunately most times the shame leads me to food which leads to the reason I felt shame in the first place.
Sometimes the shame is so intense it sends into a depression of sorts and it is just about all I can do pull myself out.
The more shame I feel the more I eat and the more weight I gain which leads to more shame and more eating. It is a vicious cycle that I am trying to break. I have been paying very close attention to not just what I eat, but why I eat it. I've discovered that along with eating out of frustration and to keep from losing patience with children I also eat when I feel down and hopeless about my weight situation (the shame).
I feel shame when I know the things I need to do and I just don't do them. I am trying to understand why I don't do what I know works. I make excuses saying I need a break, but in all honesty if I am ever going to conquer it I can't allow breaks. I have to stick with it. I've heard people talk about the 80-20 rule and while it sounds good in theory to me it doesn't work. I find that I allow myself a little wiggle room and before I know I have eaten way more than I should have. I guess for now it has to be all or nothing. Hopefully someday I can overcome the shame and allow myself that 20%.
I'm still working on how shame fits into it all and how I can eliminate that shame from my life. I guess I need to accept myself for the work in progress that I am and have compassion for the 20 year old that didn't know the healthy way. She did her best and for that I give her thumbs up. She didn't give up or let the grief consume her. It is hard to not be hard on myself. I guess Oprah was right when she said that "we do better when we know better".
Any suggestions on how to let the shame go and embrace the ever changing, growing, and improving me?
D&C 50:40-42 always gives me comfort for just about every situation. I bet it would apply in this situation as well. We all must "grow in grace and in knowledge of the truth." I've been thinking a lot this year on what grace is and what it means to grow in grace. I really love this talk by Brad Wilcox: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps your situation at all, but it's a good read anyway. :)
I wish I did, but when you figure it out, I hope you'll share...
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